Snarky Dad

In my previous post I went on quite a tangent about my (now gone) smoking habit.

I didn’t mean to make that post so long, but it kinda wrote itself.

I related there how I went directly to MMA class after I quit smoking — the potato that I am — without building myself up to it, and started falling apart as a result. Not mentally, but the occasional limb or vertebrae that needed collecting after leaving the mat, or waking up the morning after realizing it’s not the floorboards creaking when I walk.

Of course I am better prepared and geared these days, but I can’t forget the 1st class (the freebie tryout) where, after running some drills, the sensei shouted “Ok, let’s start the beat up!” and casually motioned to the densest of the students (imagine a fridge with an iron jaw) and shouted “Ok, you take gramps over here, but go easy!”

I wasn’t that offended, as the sensei is roughly my age and I trusted he meant well (he mostly does). He offered me to gear up from a pile of spare guards he had in the corner. I only had my old boxing gloves, but he suggested I’d wear shin guards (we had Muay Thai sparring that night). I thought to myself I’d better do.

As I approached that pile, I realized that tangy smell isn’t from the sweaty teenagers on the mat (it’s basically 20-year-olds, but some of the advanced students from 10th grade and up got promoted) — yeah, it was mostly them — but then it hit me (the scent and the realization) that that pile of shin guards is probably more effective as a bio weapon of sorts than bone protection.

As I wasn’t counting on kicking hard Mr. Fridge Mac’Muscles, my sparring partner, who patiently waited for me while punching the heavy bag as I got ready (I could hear the punching bag silently cursing me), I decided I am not interested in seeing what abhorrent skin infections come with those shin guards, and skipped them.

True to my word I went easy on Mac’Muscles, feeling smart that I wouldn’t get him angry nor would I risk spasming a muscle. What I didn’t think about was that it is very acceptable to check kicks. Now Mac had his impressive shin guards, so it was ok, but Mac was rather slow (or rather fast for a fridge) — but one of my low kicks met his kneecap as he was raising his leg to block. I always thought bumping your little toe on the bed’s leg was as painful as things get, but it turns out I was wrong.

I acted brave and pretended everything was super, just as the fireworks going off in my nervous system probably were. Mac noticed and paused to make sure I was ok, and I finished the round limping but not quitting, feeling very proud to have not quit. But that block left me with a very impressive bruise that was a really astounding display of all the colors possible for the human skin to get.

This may sound horrible, but I actually had a great time that class, and I decided to enroll, and get decent (and better smelling) gear ASAP! And I did. After asking around what is recommended, I got the Venum shin guards. I’ve had them for almost 2 years and they hold up very well. I let them air dry after class, and they do NOT smell like a teenager. They pad well and fit great.

Heads up: some links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you buy through them, I get a small cut at no extra cost to you — one step closer to the man cave. I only link stuff I’ve actually used myself.

And for those worried about my well-being, I am more fit now, and I am able to exact revenge on all those who mocked me back then. My goal is getting the nick “Psycho Dad” (yeah, from the best sitcom ever, Married… with Children) instead of (excuse the literary freedom) ol’ crispy bones.

If this earned a laugh, you can buy me a coffee at ko-fi.com/snarkydad. No obligation, no judgment, just caffeine.